The general theme of my blog has been the overall awkwardness and uncomfortable situations I have found myself in since I became a “non-traditional” student in every sense of the word at the University of Iowa. I haven’t blogged in awhile, and let me just say it is not for lack of material.
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| WHATEVER, its still my birthday. 1997. |
I haven’t blogged in awhile because somewhere in the past few months I stopped listening to the inner voice of the girl who was constantly laughing hysterically…at herself. I must admit that, in the midst of all my irresponsible, unfortunate, terrifying, awkward, absent-mindedness, I was not the least bit impressed with myself. However, I found the time to reflect (Honesty check: I easily found the time to think about anything other than school). It was in those times that I figured out the key to my survival in this place where i felt incredibly out of place: making one big joke out of whatever situation I had found myself in.
And in doing this, I coped. And I laughed. And I told my story to the best of my ability and then moved on to the next irrational decision. And like any normal Sagittarius would do, I repeated the cycle of reckless abandonment in search of my next adventure.
I guess I could look at the past few months where I have been taking myself and my life entirely too seriously and the words and actions of other people way too personally as my latest and greatest fuck up. So it’s now 3:31 a.m. and I’m wide awake racking my brain trying to figure out a way to somehow make a joke out of all of this to somehow redeem myself. But for the first time since I can remember I can’t find a way to do it. It was a huge violation of my greatest survival skill and all I can feel is resentment. I resent that I ever allowed myself to get so wrapped up in worrying about things so far out of my control and more importantly I resent ever focusing my energy on situations that didn’t, at the very least, make me laugh at myself in the aftermath.
So I’m promising myself right now that after I take my last final exam on Friday and begin to transition from the non-traditional student to the non-traditional grown-up, that I will always listen to my inner voice telling me how I can laugh at myself no matter how mortifying the situation may be because lets face it...I know there will be plenty to work with.
And just like that, as I read the previous sentences I had typed about “inner voices” that I am once again shaking my head at myself and thinking “what the fuck jaclynn, did you really just type that - you are certifiably insane.” So maybe it all really is just one big joke after all. If so...I’m okay with it. I am at least left reassured that I am back to being myself again and I know the best laughter is yet to come. Even if the voices in my head have to remind me to laugh in the first place.
(and in case you were wondering: the above photo is a real cake my family made for me when I turned 10 - complete with my favorite form of communication in 1997 the "whatever" hand motion. I probably wasn't too amused at the time because I really thought I was a perfect 10 back then. it certainly makes me laugh now).
